Laundryroom Swapmeet

Item:

A medium-sized brown wooden basket decorated with an apple insignia.

Why It’s Here:

Because when someone asked for one of those Apple thingies to carry around their music in, this is not what they had in mind, dammit. 

Probable Recipient:

The winner of the laundryroom swapmeet’s first annual Steve Jobs Lookalike Contest.  Send in those photos, folks!

The Steve Jobs Lookalike Contest:

There is no contest.  Or, anyway, there is no basket—it’s gone already.  If you want to email me a picture of you or your wife or your dog posing as the Apple honcho, though, I won’t stop you.

Item:

A woman’s blue t-shirt, brand new.

Why It’s Here:

Because it was too small for my brother’s girlfriend—my sister-in-date, if you will—and she ordered it over the Internet for cheap.  The cost of shipping to return it would have rivaled the value of the refund.  And so the swapmeet claims another victim!

Probable Recipient:

Someone who is smaller than my sister-in-date, who is not a large person, and who is smaller even than my wife, who is demonstrably petite.

I’m hoping there is a midget in the building.  Because it’s going to be either that or someone with a serious eating disorder.

Six days between swapmeet updates:

Is way too long.  I’m sorry.  I’ve been busy.  I’ll do better!  I can change!  I love you!

Item:

A small grey-and-white-striped purse with pink piping and a metal chain strap.

Why It’s Here:

It heard about the wallet gathering and rushed down to see if it was still going on. 

Probable Recipient:

A girly zebra on the hunt for accessories.  I bet there’s zebras up on 5.

The problem with zebras:

You can’t show ‘em on TV.  It’s those stripes.  High-contrast parallel stripes are just murder—interference patterns all over the place.  Moire patterns, I’m saying.

Those nature shows?  The ones that have zebras on them?  Computer graphics.  Special effects using carefully-designed fakes.  Zebra sequences have long been at the bleeding edge of video post-production technology.  At technical conferences, when discussing new effects-production technologies, skeptical video engineers will often say, “sure, the demo looked good, but will it zebra?“  

Item:

A large hardback edition of The Golden Book of Grimm’s Fairy Tales.

Why It’s Here:

Benvenuti is an illustrator overcome by self-loathing.  And he lives here.  So it stands to reason that he’d drop this off on the table.

Probable Recipient:

A parent who appreciates the importance of scaring the holy goddam out of their kids.  Seriously, take a look at this… 

Mind-scarring discarded human dermis imagery:

Ahhh!  Nightmares for weeks!

Item:

A white blouse from, according to the tag, Banana Republic.

Why It’s Here:

Recent convert to nudism. 

Probable Recipient:

A hungry impulse shopper.  (Impulse swapper?)

“Man.  Hungry hungry hungry.  Hrm.  Laundry room.  Table.  Shirt.  Hungry.  Hungry hungry.  Banana Republic.  Hrm.  Hungry.  Banana.  Banana hungry shirt.  Eat banana shirt armmphhgrrrphhmm…” 

Onomatopoeia - an introduction:

“…armmphhgrrrphhmm…”
- Josh Millard

Typing words to convey sounds is as much an art as it is a science.  How did I get so good at it?  I’m a frickin’ genius, is how.  But you can learn too!  Just follow this simple process:

1. Decide on a sound you want to onomatopoeianate.  Funny sounds are best—no one likes a boring sound effect.  Example: fart noise = good; gentle weeping = bad.

2. Repeat the noise with your mouth.  Use your hands as well if necessary.  Do this for several minutes.  Test your performance on others: ask a coworker or a passerby “what this sounds like”, and adjust your performance accordingly until you are satisfied with the results.

3. Look at your keyboard.  How would you spell the noise you’re making?  Note that spellcheck will not be helpful.  Sound it out, do your best, and when in doubt use the “plbbbttt” construct—a number of excellent onomatopoeiaers have gotten their start this way.

4. Bonus hint!  Still having trouble?  Old Batman comics are a treasure trove!

Item:

A pair of grey corduroy pants.

Why It’s Here:

Prior owner didn’t like the semantic connection with bumpy, improvised swamp-road improvements.

Probable Recipient:

Someone with the good sense to realize that cords are awesome.  I love me some cords, but these were made for a short person.

Stupid joke I just made up:

What do you call striped trousers worn by men who dig up buried hives?

Bee miner cords!  AHAHAHAHA!

Item:

A black strap of some sort, about a foot long, with “LIVE in LOVE” in white stitching.

Why It’s Here:

Bitter keepsake of a collapsed BDSM relationship, maybe?  It looks like it could be a choker.  Or, more to the point, a collar.

Probable Recipient:

Someone who is hankerin’ for a spankerin’. 

There was this punk girl:

I knew her only as a general acquaintance, in high school—I can’t remember her name at all.  But she was a tall, dark haired girl with very fair skin, quite pretty, sort of quiet.  Wore black pleather and safetypins and died bits of her hair various colors at times.  Hot Topic shopper, as a lot of girls were, but she wore it well and added her own accessories.

And it came up one day, in a conversation on the MAX, that she was Christian.  And a friend of mind—a good, smart, likeable nerd who was only occasionally totally obnoxious—pointed out how totally weird and unexpected that was.  Because she was, like, totally punked out.  And, uh, you know, that’s, uh.  Weird.  Um.

That’s more or less a direct recreation of his argument, anyway.  I was struck at the time that someone as smart as him could draw such a weird false dichotomy.  But he’s always been a bit abrasive toward organized religion.  Go figure.

I just remembered that.

Item:

Two whaddayacallums of yarn, one black, one pink.

Why It’s Here:

Someone decided not to knit that Grease-themed toaster cozy after all. 

Probable Recipient:

Someone who realizes that these colors go together like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong.

Oh, wait, it’s “skein”:

That’s what yarn things are called.  I was going to look it up, but I remembered.  All by myself.  I rule!

Item:

A smallish, squishy hot-pink pillow.

Why It’s Here:

Because the previous owner couldn’t stand how it felt.

Trust me.  You may think that I just wander down into the laundry room and take pictures of this crap from a safe distance, but if you do then you think wrongly.  I have to frame these shots.  I have to make a clear space on a often-crowded table.  I have to manipulate these objects with my bare hands.  And when I say this thing is kind of gross and squishy, I mean it.  Oh lord do I mean it.

Probable Recipient:

Hell’s Couch. 

I mean, the way this pillow felt:

So gross.  So very wrong. 

<shudder>

Item:

Five wallets, of varying size, shape, and color.

Why It’s Here:

More importantly, what happened before they showed up? Someone managed to amass wallets. Compulsive shopper? Uninventive gifts over a stretch of years ? Literally too much cash? And then, bam—to the swapmeet with you! 

Probable Recipient:

The wallet inspector. 

Pink faux-snake skin:

It’s like it’s crying out to the world: “I am fake! I am real!” Make up your goddam mind, you waffling textile!