Laundryroom Swapmeet

Item:

Three paperback novels, by Sandford, Grisham, and Lehane.

Why It’s Here:

Too much blue on someone’s bookshelf.  And the two on the left—both #1 New York Times Bestsellers?  You know they didn’t get along.  Drama queens, always arguing.  “I’m terrific!”  “Says who, USA Today?  Ha!  Darling, The Washington Post says I’m ‘a great read’.”  “Oh yeah?  Well, well, you’re fat!”

And so on.  Intolerable.

Probable Recipient:

Someone who thinks that “King of Torts” is a hilarious pun and not evidence that Grisham is wandering dangerously close to self-parody.  Or someone who has been indecisve about their prey so far.  Or someone who likes rivers that are, um, mystic.

Okay, that fell apart a little at the end.

It could be a lot worse, though:

It could be the Da Vinci Code.

So we’ve seen all the individual items from the grocery bag of splendor. I admit that when I was analyzing them, I treated each as if it were a solitary item, devoid of context—a serial parade of one-offs. Was I naive to do so? Perhaps, and so let me make amends by offering herein a more inclusive discussion of, not the items as individuals, but the grocery bag contents as a gestalt.

First, the manifest:

• little blue (jewelry?) box
• stained lacy thing
• shower clock radio
• another clock radio
• terry net bathband
• pink happy candle
• two makeup kits
• uninflated globe
• motivational stickers

So: two clock radios; two items-with-mirrors (the jewelry box, the mirrored shower radio); two makeup kits; two adornment-related items (jewelry box, pair of makeup kits); two shower items (shower radio, terry net bathband); two hundreds of motivational stickers; two stains on the lacy thing; and, at last, two-candle container—with only one candle!

Twos everywhere. A fearful symmetry! An unsettling duality! Here, in this bag, on this table, an ominous reflection of the strange couplings of the universe.  For every action a reaction!  For every shower clock radio a non-shower clock radio!

Where is that missing candle? Where can it be?!

Yes. So, in summary, I still don’t know what the hell a terry net bathband is.

Item:

A 200-unit box of “motivational stickers”.

Why It’s Here:

Let’s face it, Momma ain’t gone raise no wussy-girly boy.  Motivational stickers?  Why not just put him in a little pink dress and call him Sally?  No sir.  Motivational beatings, that’s what the doctor ordered.

Probable Recipient:

Someone creating an interpretive collage on the subject of eBay powerselling.  These stickers—”terrific”, “A+”, “wow!”—will be perfect for the section about buyer feedback.

The blurriness of the photo:

Not sure what happened there.  I mean, none of this is high art—I’m not lying awake at night worrying about the image quality on that picture of a discarded headlight or anything—but this is really goddam blurry.  Wow.  I kinda want to stick a sarcastic “You did it!” sticker on this post.

Item:

An inflatable globe beachball.  Air not included.

Why It’s Here:

A disappointed Flat Earther realized, after their initial excitement, that this thing is supposed to be filled with air.

Probable Recipient:

A PSU student cramming for their summer-session World Geography final.

A hilarious anecdote:

Was lost because the computer crashed when I was writing about this globe.  I can’t remember what I said anymore.  I hate that.  Hate it.

I suppose there’s a WordPress plugin for auto-saving.  There’s a plugin for everything else.  There’s a probably a goddam plugin for auto-generating snarky commentary about the stuff people leave in laundry rooms.

Oh, neat, that one’s already installed.

Item:

2 unopened packs of 2Kool lip service/eye candy makeup.

Why It’s Here:

Because makeup can lead to dancin’. 

Probable Recipient:

My brother’s girlfiend, actually.  They live in the building, and were checking their mail when I was photographing this.  “Ooh”, she said.  And, bam, one less makeup kit in the swapmeet.  The system works! 

“Kool” brand cigarettes:

Not really very cool.  I don’t know if this is ironic or just the expected outcome—does anything that explicitly labels itself with a vague, desirable adjectival descriptor ever live up to said descriptor?  Has anything that calls itself “rad” ever been, in fact, rad?

Which brings me to another point: songs that explicitly mention rock and roll very rarely rock.

Item:

A pink candle-holder labeled “happy”, with candle, in a plastic two-candle container.

Why It’s Here:

Someone found out that happiness was, in fact, a warm gun.   And not a pink candle, is what I’m getting at.

Interesting that there was another candle at some point.  Was it another pink happy candle?  Or some sort of complement?  A brown candle labeled “unhappy”?  For whatever reason, they rejected this candle.  What an enigmatic symmetry!

Probable Recipient:

Someone who didn’t hear about the gun thing.  Or someone who wants to find out what burning happiness smells like. 

Those candle stores:

The ones that sell just scads of different smells and flavors and shapes of candles.  Huge stores.  Where you can buy a cinnimon apple crisp candle if you want.  And they have a “dip your own” candle thing where the kids—the incredibly, mindbreakingly bored kids—can craft drippy, mis-shapen pioneer candles while Mum wanders among the hundreds of aromatic wick-vessels.

Not a fan.

Item:

An orange-colored “terry net bathband”.

Why It’s Here:

Let me put it this way.  What would you do with a “terry net bathband”?  That’s right: you have no idea.  What in the shit is a “terry net bathband”?  Is it a sash for shower-based pageants?  A gigantic loofa?  An ammobelt for hotel-size shampoos and soaps?

Probable Recipient:

Satan.  Seriously, I don’t trust this…thing. 

terry net bathband:

terry net bathband

terry net bathband

TERRY NET BATHBAND

Item:

A small black clock radio, with red LED display.

Why It’s Here:

Discarded by building resident who used the cord to strangle someone.  Where better to hide the evidence than in plain sight?  Muhaha!  MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!