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Archive for September, 2006

method laundry detergent



A bottle of “method” brand laundry detergent.


Why It’s Here:

I suspect it was just stopping by.  Laundry room, and all. 

Or perhaps it was deliberately left here by a sadistic former owner, as the ultimate rejection: unwanted even in the cialis no prescription'>cialis no prescription very room for which it was ostensibly designed to be useful.  A final insult, a magnificently cruel twist of the knife.


Probable Recipient:

Someone with dirty clothes, and who isn’t such a jerk. 


Horror movie idea #37:

A crazed murderer who kills his victims with laundry detergent!  Or in laundry rooms or laundromats.  Or something.  The key idea is the laundry-related killings.

And for product placement, we could work this brand right into the tagline!

“The Launderer: There’s a Method to his Madness!!!

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rerun – globe, inflated


Hey! Remember this guy? Last time we saw him, thumb he was not looking so great—but he seems to have really filled out!  Good job, guy!

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meta – caught up, sorta

I’m pleased to announce that I have completely and visit our site buy discount levitra totally caught up with my old backlog of swapmeet pictures!  Happy day!  The old backlog, she is dead!

The only problem is that I now have a new backlog of like three dozen items that have shown up while I was working through the old backlog.


When I first conceived of the swapmeet, I imagined it as a real-time proposition, more or less—each evening, I would take pictures of wow look it buy viagra online anything new on the table, and post that in the next day or so.  And I still like that idea, but the backlog continues to be of considerable size, so it might be a while before I’m actually genuinely caught up.

Alas.  And some of you may have been presuming that this was a real-time feed.  Apologies for shattering the click now viagra sales illusion.  There’s tissue on the coffee table—take your time.  Let it all out.  That’s it.  That’s okay.  You’re gonna be okay.

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bamboo plant



A bamboo plant in a small glass rectangular vase.


Why It’s Here:

Pardon some philosophizing, but bamboo makes me all zen and thoughtful:

The “why it’s here” portion of these writeups is a curious beast.  While those words can be seen as a simple prompt for explanation—how did this thing arrive at this location?—there is a more charged, and in many cases more likely meaning:

“What is wrong with this?”

For something to have arrived at this table, it stands to reason that someone in the building held the thing in their hands and thought, “I do not want this.”  The act of putting something into the swapmeet is unavoidably also the act of rejection.

And yet, the object so rejected is considered to have value.  Perhaps only theoretical value, true—by putting a thing on the table, the prior owner is not necessarily saying “someone will want this”; they may only be saying “someone might want this”, with an explict or tacit coda:  “…though god knows why they would.”

And so the question of “why it’s here” acts as a sort of dark, unloving yin to the “probable recipient” yang, complementary meditations on the desirable and the undesirable.  Partners in an acknowledgement of cheap cialis no prescription'>cheap cialis no prescription the possibility of an object being simultaneously valueless and valuable, disposable and utile, trash and treasure.

The laundryroom swapmeet, then becomes a sort of nexus of ownership, a still, quiet eye in the existential storm.  A wormhole, if you will, through which possessions may travel from illfitting owners to those who can better love them.

So why is best online viagra this bamboo plant here?  It is here because this is where it was put.  It is here because this is where things go.  It is here because it must stop here, however briefly, if it is to make the journey from the 100 mg levitra'>100 mg levitra place Where It Was to the place Where It Should Be.

And it is here because the fucking thing makes anyone who looks at it go into a zen trance and go on for paragraphs at a time.  It’s goddam voodoo, man!  Stay away!


Probable Recipient:

A yuppie.  Yuppies love bamboo.  I read it in a magazine. 


And now, your moment of zen:

[sound of Josh being sued into paste by The Daily Show's law team]

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maroon number 7 hoodie


A maroon (really!) hoodie with a yellow number 7 on one side and a yellow cat on the other.


Why It’s Here:

I don’t know.  I’m boggled.  I’m on the record re: hoodies being totally awesome—if I say any more, I’ll just get upset. 


Probable Recipient:

An old lady with seven yellow cats.  Cuz she’s damn proud of her kitties.


I’ve got Kitty Pride:

And Nightcrawler too.  Waiting there for me.

Yes, I do.

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metal dish rack



A shiny metal dishrack, with a transluscent plastic something-holder attachment. 


Why It’s Here:

Previous owner is the daughter—and now heiress to the fortune—of the most powerful disposable dishware magnate in the land, the late Mr. Frederick Templeton Chinette.


Probable Recipient:

Someone looking for an innovative way to slice 10-pound blocks of cheese. 


Dish racks are not humorous:

And so I don’t think I can really be blamed here.  Seriously, can you think of a good joke involving a dishrack?  A big-budget comedy?  A bumper sticker?  No.  You can’t.  Because dish racks aren’t funny.

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empty contacts box



An empty cardboard box from 1-800-CONTACTS.


Why It’s Here:

I think this is a case of mailroom spillover.  We get our mail in the laundry room, after all.

Here’s what I see: I see an ocularly-challenged neighbor who has accidentally overrun his disposable contacts prescription.  Despairing of being confined to his eyeglasses for any great amount of time, he turns to viagra gel the telephone and dials 1-800-CONTACTS. 

And then, the waiting!  Each day, he returns to the laundry room to check for his contacts—at first hopeful, and then anxious, and finally, as the days continue to pass with no contacts forthcoming, desperate!  And finally, in a final manic fit, he returns one last time to the laundry room…and there!  Look!  Contacts!

In a frenzy, he tears the box open, and then freezes, struck by the most terrible fear—what if the contacts are not inside?  He reaches for the box, and then draws his hand back; reaches, draws back!  And as he argues with himself, his fragile mind tears itself to pieces, rent in two by the twin forces of hope and terror.

At last he plunges his hands—now mere animal claws, devoid of delicacy or subtlety—into the cursed box, but the great surge of terror which accompanies this act sends his teetering mind over the brink.  He brings his hands out of the box, and with them, his contacts, and laughing and screaming he takes the contacts and plunges them into his eyes, and runs blinded and screaming out of the building and low cost levitra'>low cost levitra into the waiting night.

I think that’s pretty plausible, anyway.


Probable Recipient:

The recycling bin.

Of madness!


Poe vs. Lovecraft:

The presence or absence of tentacled Elder Gods is more or less the litmus test.


mug and plate in orange box


An unmatched ceramic mug and a plate, in an orange box.

Why It’s Here:

To frighten and confuse!

It’s worth noting that the orange box originally contained ski-boots. Not that you’d be able to tell, from where you’re sitting—the text in the photo isn’t readable without a pair of patented Ultra-Vision Goggles—but take my word for it. Dinnerware in an orange ski-boot box. Lovecraftian, this thing.

Probable Recipient:

Someone who keeps leaving their ski-boots sitting out. You know who you are.

New patented Ultra-Vision Goggles:

They’re the patentedest!


shattered stella artois glass



A broken Stella Artois glass in a big cardboard box.


Why It’s Here:

What?  What do you—are you saying that, that—

Seriously, isn’t this the trashcan?  It looks just like the trashcan.  What with the washers and dryers and the mailboxes and the folding table and the being-an-entire-goddam-room.

And get off my lawn!


Probable Recipient:

Someone with some crazy glue and a lot of free time.



Is the only thing standing between you and the dozen or so terrible jokes I could make about how that glass is not looking so stella, &c.

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green mesh da nang bag



A green mesh bag, about a foot deep, with the words “DA NANG” in stenciled block letters.


Why It’s Here:

Because someone knows better than to mesh with Da Nang. 


Probable Recipient:

Someone looking to make tea in bulk.  Stuff this thing full of Orange Pekoe and run a hot bath!


If you read it really fast:

Da Nang starts to look like “Dang”.  I bet that came up a lot in rough drafts of Veitnam war flicks:

FATHER: “Son, we need you on the farm!  Don’t run off and join the viagra and women'>viagra and women army!”

SON: “It’s too late!  I’m going to a seaport in central Vietnam!”

FATHER: “Dang!”


Comments (2)