knife and peeler
Item:
A stainless-steel butter knife and an orange-handled peeler.
Why It’s Here:
There was a terrible argument. They became enraged. They decided they could only settle things with a knife fight.
In the cupboard, they found a butter knife…and a peeler. At first, he argued that a peeler was like enough a knife that the difference wasn’t an issue. She objected: you could hardly stab with a peeler. The knife was an unfair advantage.
So he offered to take the peeler. Insisted. She became suspicious, and accused him of intending to not stab but rather shred, an altogether more demoralizing martial tactic. Tool-choice negotiations deteriorated, with shouted vituperations and threats renewed at yet greater volume.
Finally, she suggested they have a drawing. They would put the names of each tool—”mr. knife”, “mr. peeler”—on slips of paper in a hat, and then each would draw a slip and be thus assigned a weapon.
But when they drew from the hat they looked at the slips and then at one another, shocked into the realization of what fools they had been:
Neither of them knew how to read.
Actually, that doesn’t really explain how these got down the laundry room, I guess.
Probable Recipient:
Mr. Obsessive Utensil Collector.
Peelers are a serious health hazard:
You can really slice a serious chunk off with those things. Ouch.
And don’t get me started about cheese graters. More like hand graters.
Goddam cheese graters.