Laundryroom Swapmeet

There’s a small tale of mystery in this question over on Ask Metafilter—laundry gone missing from a communal laundry room!

Into the dryer went ~8 polos, 2 pairs of jeans, a couple of T-shirts, and some socks & underwear. Out came 4 polos, 1 pair of jeans, 1 T-shirt and not as many of the others.

Bizarre!  I’ve worried now and then that I’ve documented (and, worse, someone else has swapped out) what looked like swapmeet donations that were in fact stray articles of clothing forgotten mid-laundering; it seems an unlikely thing, but who can know for sure?

But I’m pretty sure I’ve never accidentally photographed the inside of a dryer, so I think I’m cleared on this one.

Item:

A black and yellow floral print something-or-other from Briggs New York.

Why It’s Here:

Previous owner cared less about owning this article of clothing (whatever it is—a dress? a shirt? strange trousers?) than they did about showing off the epic markdown chain that got it into their hands in the first place.  $34.00!  $14.99!  $13.00 even! 

I guess that isn’t actually that epic.  The extra “$19.01″ made it look kind of exciting, but it turns out that was just math.  Maybe that’s why they got rid of it: they hate math!

Probable Recipient:

Albert frickin’ Einstein or something.

You know who else liked steep discounts:

Adolf H—[editor’s note: we apologize for the whole “You know who else x?  Hitler!” meme.  We’re trying to rein him in some, but he just thinks it’s hilarious and won’t stop using it.  He does it at the dinner table, he does it at shareholder meetings.  It’s insane.  You know for what other value of x he’s used that joke?  That’s right, Adolf H—{janitor’s note: I’m really really sorry about that.  They don’t pay me enough for this shit.}]

Item:

An orange beaded necklace with a fake flower for decoration.

Why It’s Here:

Let me put it this way. Luau? More like Luout. As in of fashion. OMG.

Probable Recipient:

Someone looking for something a little different in a garter.

Is this really a necklace, though?

I’m not very good at this sort of thing. Maybe it’s a headband? I can’t remember how big the thing was.

Item:

It’s a pair of black shoes, dressy and in good condition.

Why It’s Here:

Because this is the laundry room.  This is the table where people put things.  The table where, in theory, I take pictures of things and post those pictures on the internet and say funny things about them.

Probable Recipient:

Someone for whom they are the right size and to whom the look of the shoes is appealing.  Will they try them on in the laundry room, or just eyeball the size and test the fit only later, in the comfort of their own apartment?  And if the latter, then if the shoes turn out not to fit, what then?  A stealthy return?  Into the wastebin?

So it’s been like months:

And a few of you have left nice comments saying, “hey, update!”  And so, here we go.  I’m going to try to update.  It won’t be daily like it used to be, unless I really feel like it that week etc, but I’ll make an effort.  I’ll even try to be funny; consider this a sort of deadpan peace offering while I stretch my legs.

So hi, again.  How’ve you been?

Item:

A pile of assorted items of clothing.

Why It’s Here:

To raise, once agian, the question of where the line is drawn between a swapmeet donation and legitimate laundry room business.  Something about the colorfulness and variety here suggests to me that someone is clearing out the old wardrobe, but what if?  What if this is just a load of delicates waiting to be washed?  Really, the whole clothing category occupies some point on this continuum of property rights ambiguity.  Like a border patrol between warring nations of ownership.

Ambiguity is the meat in a reality sandwich.

Probable Recipient:

Someone looking to re-upholster their stuffed tiger. 

Reality Sandwich:

Sounds pretty good right now.  I think I should eat lunch.

Item:

A maroon (really!) hoodie with a yellow number 7 on one side and a yellow cat on the other.

Why It’s Here:

I don’t know.  I’m boggled.  I’m on the record re: hoodies being totally awesome—if I say any more, I’ll just get upset. 

Probable Recipient:

An old lady with seven yellow cats.  Cuz she’s damn proud of her kitties.

I’ve got Kitty Pride:

And Nightcrawler too.  Waiting there for me.

Yes, I do.

Item:

A small red velvet purse with the word “beauty” written in rhinestones.

Why It’s Here:

Prior owner got sick of waiting for matching “the beast” wallet to come along. 

Probable Recipient:

Someone looking for just that much more constant validation.  I’m imagining an uncertain thirtysomething, going to bars to meet men and pointing helpfully to this thing when she catches their eyes. 

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme:

Sorry, Disney lyricist, but I have to call bullhookey.  Tale as old as time?  The sub/dom, opposites attract, goodness-hidden-beneath-monstrosity themes of Beauty and the Beast as old as time?  Was there something analogous going on amidst those eventful first femtoseconds of the Big Bang?  I do not think so!

Even the latter claim seems like a stretch.  Song as old as rhyme?  That’s not a very specific delineation—are we to believe that this song is exactly as old as rhyme?  As old as and possible older than?  And in that case, is the song in the film a translation from whichever Ur-language first contained rhyme?  To say nothing of how a singing teapot would have such a thorough command of the history of song and language.

I’m not buying it.  I’m starting to think that movie wasn’t very realistic at all.

Item:

A great big pile of belts and and sashes.

Why It’s Here:

Switched to sweatpants.

Probable Recipient:

Jared, from Subway. 

Belts on a Table!

I want these motherfucking belts off this motherfucking table!

Item:

A well-worn pair of green translucent flipflop sandals.

Why It’s Here:

Someone finally broke down and shelled out for a pair of Tevas.

Probable Recipient:

Someone who values the total awesomeness of translucent green footwear over the questionable cleanliness of grungy black foot dirt.

Jolly Ranchers:

The used green flipflops of the confections industry.

Item:

A woman’s blue t-shirt, brand new.

Why It’s Here:

Because it was too small for my brother’s girlfriend—my sister-in-date, if you will—and she ordered it over the Internet for cheap.  The cost of shipping to return it would have rivaled the value of the refund.  And so the swapmeet claims another victim!

Probable Recipient:

Someone who is smaller than my sister-in-date, who is not a large person, and who is smaller even than my wife, who is demonstrably petite.

I’m hoping there is a midget in the building.  Because it’s going to be either that or someone with a serious eating disorder.

Six days between swapmeet updates:

Is way too long.  I’m sorry.  I’ve been busy.  I’ll do better!  I can change!  I love you!