Laundryroom Swapmeet

Item:

An orange beaded necklace with a fake flower for decoration.

Why It’s Here:

Let me put it this way. Luau? More like Luout. As in of fashion. OMG.

Probable Recipient:

Someone looking for something a little different in a garter.

Is this really a necklace, though?

I’m not very good at this sort of thing. Maybe it’s a headband? I can’t remember how big the thing was.

Item:

An unmatched ceramic mug and a plate, in an orange box.

Why It’s Here:

To frighten and confuse!

It’s worth noting that the orange box originally contained ski-boots. Not that you’d be able to tell, from where you’re sitting—the text in the photo isn’t readable without a pair of patented Ultra-Vision Goggles—but take my word for it. Dinnerware in an orange ski-boot box. Lovecraftian, this thing.

Probable Recipient:

Someone who keeps leaving their ski-boots sitting out. You know who you are.

New patented Ultra-Vision Goggles:

They’re the patentedest!

Item:

An orange-colored “terry net bathband”.

Why It’s Here:

Let me put it this way.  What would you do with a “terry net bathband”?  That’s right: you have no idea.  What in the shit is a “terry net bathband”?  Is it a sash for shower-based pageants?  A gigantic loofa?  An ammobelt for hotel-size shampoos and soaps?

Probable Recipient:

Satan.  Seriously, I don’t trust this…thing. 

terry net bathband:

terry net bathband

terry net bathband

TERRY NET BATHBAND

Item:

A stained glass picture of a hand.

Why It’s Here:

Previous owner couldn’t stand to look at it after that last bad acid trip. 

Probable Recipient:

Someone looking to add a hint of extremely proud parent flavor to their decor.

David Lynch’s film version of Dune:

So awesome.  I can understand the animosity from die-hard Herbert fans—Lynch took a lot of creative liberties—but what a beautifully ugly and surreal film!

I bring it up because the minute I saw this stained glass thing, I thought to myself, “Father!  The sleeper has awakened!”

So awesome.

This is the loser pile

Some items show up and disappear in quick succession.  And some things sort of, well, stick around for a while.  These things had been on the table for several days—at some point, they were moved to the floor beside the table.  Harsh.

The losers include the Creed CD (someone took the Meditations disc), orange rug and scary towel (someone took the sweater!), food companion (which has been, adorably enough, tucked into blue basket), and maybe building property broom.

Loser update: as of this writing, all of these things have disappeared.  To where?  I suspect that the building manager effects the occasional purge.  Which is reasonable enough; that Creed CD had more second chances than it deserved.

Item:

Organics Fruit Blend lotion, in an orange pump bottle.

Why It’s Here:

Dry skin is totally the in thing now.   

Probable Recipient:

A thirteen-year-old boy looking for a new tactile sensation.  Good luck explaining the smell, kid.  “I was, uh, at the produce section?  At the grocery store?” 

The thing on the bottle:

Is that a tomato?  A bell pepper?  What the hell?

Item:

A book called Complete Food Companion, featuring a giant food-themed puzzle piece on the cover.

Why It’s Here:

Because someone wants their food to be lonely, apparently.  Or decided to give up on their points-based diet.  (Because they succeeded?  Because they failed miserably?  Because they’ve become a Breatharian?)

Probable Recipient:

Someone who enjoys assigning numbers to the things they put in their mouth.  Maybe someone in the building has OCD.  Or lonely food.

That ugly orange cover:

It’s really something, isn’t it?  Retina-searing.  Ouch.

Item:

A black sweater, a bluegreen towel (with nasty brown stains!), and a fuzzy orange yarn rug. 

Why it’s here:

Well, it’s summer, so the sweater isn’t really pulling its weight. Got to make room for halter tops and daisy dukes, right? The towel looks pretty wrecked, so I’m guessing the owner bought a not-frightening replacement. And that rug? Orange is no longer the new black. It’s the old ugly orange again. 

Probable recipient:

Someone who is cold, wet, and sick of our building’s hardwood floors. I’m hoping for a disoriented Tarzan, shivering in his loin cloth after a Portland rainshower and hoping to simulate, however poorly, the leafy undergrowth of the forest floor. 

Where that weird towel stain came from:

I daren’t speculate. 

Item:

This is some crinkly orange cellophane stuff. I’d say there’s probably twenty, thirty feet of it. I have no idea what it is or what you would use it for. 

Why it’s here:

I have to presume that the previous owner wasn’t so sure what to do with several furlongs of mysterious orange crap either. 

Probable recipient:

PSU Art student trying to throw something together in a panic.  Adding this stuff to anything other than orange cellophane would yield mixed media right? 

Probable grade:

D