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Archive for tools

Some things have a sort of cialis brand name'>cialis brand name raw utility in their nature. Not enough to make them worth keeping around, sure, but still.

folding table thingy

  

Item:

A folding table (I guess) with a diamond-shape blue/green/yellow pattern on top.

 

Why It’s Here:

To flush out the epileptics?  That tabletop pattern is seriously loud.  It’s all like HELLO THERE I AM A TABLE LOOK AT ME AAAAARRRRGGG TABLE TABLE TABLE.

 

Probable Recipient:

Someone with poor hearing.

 

LA LA LA LOOKIT ME:

TABLE TABLE TABLE TABLE

Comments

cast iron pan duo

  

Item:

Two small cast iron pans, one smaller than the other.

 

Why It’s Here:

Because they have been cast out!

Get it?  Cast out?  They’re cast iron pans!  Ha!  It’s a pun!

 

Probable Recipient:

Someone trying to break out of the link for you women viagra no-stick teflon kitchen typecast!

Ha!  Ha ha ha!

Oh man!  Yeah!

 

You know what’s delicious:

The cast irony!

AHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Comments (3)

method laundry detergent

  

Item:

A bottle of “method” brand laundry detergent.

 

Why It’s Here:

I suspect it was just stopping by.  Laundry room, and all. 

Or perhaps it was deliberately left here by a sadistic former owner, as the ultimate rejection: unwanted even in the very room for which it was ostensibly designed to be useful.  A final insult, a magnificently cruel twist of the knife.

 

Probable Recipient:

Someone with dirty clothes, and who isn’t such a jerk. 

 

Horror movie idea #37:

A crazed murderer who kills his victims with laundry detergent!  Or in laundry rooms or laundromats.  Or something.  The key idea is the laundry-related killings.

And for product placement, we could work this brand right into the tagline!

“The Launderer: There’s a Method to his Madness!!!

Comments (5)

metal dish rack

  

Item:

A shiny metal dishrack, with a transluscent plastic something-holder attachment. 

 

Why It’s Here:

Previous owner is the daughter—and now heiress to the fortune—of the most powerful disposable dishware magnate in the land, the late Mr. Frederick Templeton Chinette.

 

Probable Recipient:

Someone looking for an innovative way to slice 10-pound blocks of cheese. 

 

Dish racks are not humorous:

And so I don’t think I can really be blamed here.  Seriously, can you think of a good joke involving a dishrack?  A big-budget comedy?  A bumper sticker?  No.  You can’t.  Because dish racks aren’t funny.

Comments (2)

empty contacts box

  

Item:

An empty cardboard box from 1-800-CONTACTS.

 

Why It’s Here:

I think this is a case of mailroom spillover.  We get our mail in the laundry room, after all.

Here’s what I see: I see an ocularly-challenged neighbor who has accidentally overrun his disposable contacts prescription.  Despairing of http://papodebar.com/viagra-100-mg being confined to his eyeglasses for any great amount of time, he turns to the telephone and viagra to order'>viagra to order dials 1-800-CONTACTS. 

And then, the waiting!  Each day, he returns to the laundry room to check for his contacts—at first hopeful, and then anxious, and finally, as the days continue to http://orphanroad.com/cialis-professional pass with no contacts forthcoming, desperate!  And finally, in a final manic fit, he returns one last time to cialis canadian pharmacy the laundry room…and there!  Look!  Contacts!

In a frenzy, he tears the box open, and then freezes, struck by the roycmartin.com most terrible fear—what if the contacts are not inside?  He reaches for the box, and then draws his hand back; reaches, draws back!  And as he argues with himself, his fragile mind tears itself to pieces, rent in two by the twin forces of hope and terror.

At last he plunges his hands—now mere animal claws, devoid of delicacy or subtlety—into the cursed box, but the great surge of terror which accompanies this act sends his teetering mind over the brink.  He brings his hands out of the box, and with them, his contacts, and laughing and screaming he takes the contacts and plunges them into his eyes, and runs blinded and screaming out of the building and into the waiting night.

I think that’s pretty plausible, anyway.

 

Probable Recipient:

The recycling bin.

Of madness!

 

Poe vs. Lovecraft:

The presence or absence of tentacled Elder Gods is more or less the litmus test.

Comments

black and pink yarn

Item:

Two whaddayacallums of yarn, one black, one pink.

 

Why It’s Here:

Someone decided not to knit that Grease-themed toaster cozy after all. 

 

Probable Recipient:

Someone who realizes that these colors go together like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong.

 

Oh, wait, it’s “skein”:

That’s what yarn things are called.  I was going to look it up, but I remembered.  All by myself.  I rule!

Comments

two 2Kool makeup kits

  

Item:

2 unopened packs of http://banter-latte.annotations.com/cialis-on-line 2Kool lip service/eye candy makeup.

 

Why It’s Here:

Because makeup can lead to dancin’

 

Probable Recipient:

My brother’s girlfiend, actually.  They live in the building, and were checking their mail when I was photographing this.  “Ooh”, she said.  And, bam, one less makeup kit in the swapmeet.  The system works! 

 

“Kool” brand cigarettes:

Not really very cool.  I don’t know if this is ironic or just the only today generic cialis expected outcome—does anything that explicitly labels itself with a vague, desirable adjectival descriptor ever live up to said descriptor?  Has anything that calls itself “rad” ever been, in fact, rad?

Which brings me to another point: songs that explicitly mention rock and buy real cialis online without prescription'>buy real cialis online without prescription roll very rarely rock.

Comments (3)

pink happy candle

  

Item:

A pink candle-holder labeled “happy”, with candle, in a plastic two-candle container.

 

Why It’s Here:

Someone found out that happiness was, in fact, a warm gun.   And not a pink candle, is what I’m getting at.

Interesting that there was another candle at some point.  Was it another pink happy candle?  Or some sort of complement?  A brown candle labeled “unhappy”?  For whatever reason, they rejected this candle.  What an enigmatic symmetry!

 

Probable Recipient:

Someone who didn’t hear about the gun thing.  Or someone who wants to find out what burning happiness smells like. 

 

Those candle stores:

The ones that sell just scads of different smells and flavors and shapes of candles.  Huge stores.  Where you can buy a cinnimon apple crisp candle if you want.  And they have a “dip your own” candle thing where the kids—the incredibly, mindbreakingly bored kids—can craft drippy, mis-shapen pioneer candles while Mum wanders among the hundreds of aromatic wick-vessels.

Not a fan.

Comments (5)

little black clock radio

  

Item:

A small black clock radio, with red LED display.

 

Why It’s Here:

Discarded by building resident who used the cord to strangle someone.  Where better to hide the evidence than in plain sight?  Muhaha!  MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Probable Recipient:

Someone who is http://www.veliadear.com/wordpress/buying-viagra into snuff clocks. 

 

Clock radio week:

Is that what’s going on?  I mean, two in a row?  Madness.

Comments

mirrored shower clock radio

  

Item:

A shower-ready clock radio, with round mirror.

 

Why It’s Here:

Remember that person who gave up on showers?  No showers, no shower radio.  QED.

 

Probable Recipient:

Someone who falls asleep in the shower.  Who plans on where to buy cialis'>where to buy cialis it, even.  Or didn’t you notice?  This thing has a snooze button.  For when you just need ten more minutes to sleep while showering.  Because narcolepsy is no excuse for poor hygiene.

 

But, wait, seriously:

Is this thing just totally bitchin’, or what?

P.S. Did you ever know someone who said “bitching” in the above context?  Not bitchin’, but bitching.  “Man, that is totally bitching?”

Man, I did.  Hilarious.  Hilarious.

Comments (3)