Laundryroom Swapmeet

Item:

A 200-unit box of “motivational stickers”.

Why It’s Here:

Let’s face it, Momma ain’t gone raise no wussy-girly boy.  Motivational stickers?  Why not just put him in a little pink dress and call him Sally?  No sir.  Motivational beatings, that’s what the doctor ordered.

Probable Recipient:

Someone creating an interpretive collage on the subject of eBay powerselling.  These stickers—”terrific”, “A+”, “wow!”—will be perfect for the section about buyer feedback.

The blurriness of the photo:

Not sure what happened there.  I mean, none of this is high art—I’m not lying awake at night worrying about the image quality on that picture of a discarded headlight or anything—but this is really goddam blurry.  Wow.  I kinda want to stick a sarcastic “You did it!” sticker on this post.

Item:

An inflatable globe beachball.  Air not included.

Why It’s Here:

A disappointed Flat Earther realized, after their initial excitement, that this thing is supposed to be filled with air.

Probable Recipient:

A PSU student cramming for their summer-session World Geography final.

A hilarious anecdote:

Was lost because the computer crashed when I was writing about this globe.  I can’t remember what I said anymore.  I hate that.  Hate it.

I suppose there’s a WordPress plugin for auto-saving.  There’s a plugin for everything else.  There’s a probably a goddam plugin for auto-generating snarky commentary about the stuff people leave in laundry rooms.

Oh, neat, that one’s already installed.

Item:

An orange-colored “terry net bathband”.

Why It’s Here:

Let me put it this way.  What would you do with a “terry net bathband”?  That’s right: you have no idea.  What in the shit is a “terry net bathband”?  Is it a sash for shower-based pageants?  A gigantic loofa?  An ammobelt for hotel-size shampoos and soaps?

Probable Recipient:

Satan.  Seriously, I don’t trust this…thing. 

terry net bathband:

terry net bathband

terry net bathband

TERRY NET BATHBAND

Item:

Several pages of Chicken Soup for the Soul Magazine, stapled together.

Why It’s Here:

Because otherwise I would not believe that it exists.  Seriously, a magazine?  Could they not print the books fast enough?  Did they run out of clever titles for the endless sequels?  (”Would You Believe We’ve Found Another Cauldron of Chicken Soup for the Soul?”)

And just like six pages, cut out and stapled.  Someone felt this specific portion of the magazine was either too good not to share, or too awful to keep.  I’m hoping it’s the latter—someone has 90% of a magazine up in their apartment, and they sit and read it secure in the knowledge that they won’t be bothered by the cover or by pages 61-69.

Probable Recipient:

Someone who is looking for (as the top right right of the cover advertises) something “like a new best friend”, in magazine excerpt form.

General Hospital’s Maurice Benard:

Don’t you just want to punch him?  Right in the nose.  Seriously.

Item:

A stained glass picture of a hand.

Why It’s Here:

Previous owner couldn’t stand to look at it after that last bad acid trip. 

Probable Recipient:

Someone looking to add a hint of extremely proud parent flavor to their decor.

David Lynch’s film version of Dune:

So awesome.  I can understand the animosity from die-hard Herbert fans—Lynch took a lot of creative liberties—but what a beautifully ugly and surreal film!

I bring it up because the minute I saw this stained glass thing, I thought to myself, “Father!  The sleeper has awakened!”

So awesome.

Item:

A plastic wrapper, bearing residue of what was once within it wrap’t.

Why It’s Here:

Because someone is a dirty, dirty litterbug.

Probable Recipient:

The trashcan, via someone with an ounce of respect for the noble, non-garbagic role of the swapmeet table.

I mean seriously:

What the shit.

Item:

A pamphlet about something called Transformational Breath. The reader is invited to Enter the flow of wisdom.

Why It’s Here:

Someone in the building is an acolyte? Note that this is transformational breathing, which is a totally different wacky new age thing than Breatharianism, so don’t go getting all conspiracy-theoretical on my ass.

Probable Recipient:

Whoever is running the Breatharian conspiracy cult in the building.

Transformational Breathing:

More than meets the lungs!

Item:

This is some crinkly orange cellophane stuff. I’d say there’s probably twenty, thirty feet of it. I have no idea what it is or what you would use it for. 

Why it’s here:

I have to presume that the previous owner wasn’t so sure what to do with several furlongs of mysterious orange crap either. 

Probable recipient:

PSU Art student trying to throw something together in a panic.  Adding this stuff to anything other than orange cellophane would yield mixed media right? 

Probable grade:

D